Nov 29, 2010
I just finished Tony Blair’s new book, A Journey, My Political Life. Blair was the British Prime Minister during the Clinton and Bush years. At one point early in the book he comments, “Most people, most of the time, don’t give politics a first thought all day long. Or if they do, it is with a sigh or a harrumph, or a raising of the eyebrows, before they go back to worrying about the kids, the parents, the mortgage, the boss, their friends, their weight, their health, sex and rock ‘n roll.”
These weekly Hawkhill News blogs have been pretty heavy on science, history and politics. It’s time for a break.
Like:
“If there is any thinking to be done in this forest, you and I must do it. We have brains, the others have fluff.” Winnie-the-Pooh.
“If d u n doesn’t spell done, what the hell does it spell?” Very rich but spelling-challenged miner George Hearst, grandfather of publisher William Randolph Hearst.
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” Mark Twain.
“I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.” Anonymous.
And then there are some new old folks jokes recently emailed to me by younger friends. Here is one I liked.
This old retired couple went to the doctor together for a check-up. The doctor gave both a thorough examination and pronounced them in excellent physical condition for their age. “You both have a bit of short-term memory problem, but nothing serious. I suggest you write things down more often.” Happy and satisfied, they went home, had their supper and settled down to watch television. After a short time the wife asked her husband to go to the kitchen and get her some ice cream for dessert. He said, “sure.” She said “you better write it down like the doctor said.” “I don’t have to write that down,” he answered. “I’ll remember.” “But I want some whipped cream on top,” she said. “Better write it down.” “I won’t forget” he answered again, a bit annoyed. “But I also want a cherry on top. Now you better write it all down.” Feeling insulted now he snapped back, “Don’t worry. I can remember all that for heaven’s sake.”
After what seemed like an awfully long time in the kitchen, he came back into the living room and handed her some bacon and eggs. She took one look and said “where’s my toast?”
If you prefer a more philosophic joke, here are a couple from a book a friend turned me onto Plato and Platypus Walk Into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy through Jokes by two philosophy professors often featured on NPR, Daniel M. Klein and Thomas Cathcart.
The philosophy department at a major university was having their monthly meeting when an angel showed up and said to the Head of the Department: “You have three choices. You can have beauty, wisdom or ten million dollars. Choose.” Being a dedicated philosopher he chose wisdom. Thunder and lightning followed and he got his wish. His colleagues, though, noticed that he remained sitting at the conference table for a long time with his head in his hands. Finally one of them tapped him on the shoulder and said “George, what’s the matter?” He looked up blearily and said, “I should’ve taken the money.”
To tell you the truth I’m not exactly sure what philosophic principle that was meant to illustrate. The next one is even more obscure, but funny anyway.
It seems Thompson was getting old. He was out of shape, had a pot belly and couldn’t go up the stairs without wheezing. Four months before his 60th birthday he decided to do something about it. He went on a diet, started jogging and swimming, and went to the gym every day. It paid off. He lost 30 lbs and he was in great condition by the time his 60th birthday arrived. He decided then to get himself a new mod haircut to celebrate. As he was coming out of the barbershop he stepped into the street and was hit by a passing bus. As he lay on the ground dying, he looked up to heaven and cried, “God, how could you do this to me!”
From out of the clouds came a voice, “Gee Thompson, I’m sorry. I didn’t recognize you.”
And then there are favorite cartoons.
Like the one from a long ago New Yorker that has a beaver talking to a fox as they both look up to the newly built Hoover Dam. “Well, I didn’t actually build it,” says the beaver, “but it was based on an idea of mine.”
Three from Sydney Harris:
A cave man father is reminding his family, “We all better get to bed early tonight. Tomorrow is the dawn of history.”
A landscape is littered with ancient stone columns. One sign at the far left with an arrow pointing left says “Ruins.” At the far right an identical looking sign with an arrow pointing right says “Complete Wrecks.”
The bearded professor is looking at a tangle of arcane equations on his blackboard when a beautiful maiden behind him says, “I’m your guardian angel and I hate to tell you this Stanley, but I’m afraid you have been barking up the wrong tree for 30 years.”
Two from Gary Larsen:
This alligator is on the witness stand. “Of course I did it in cold blood, you idiot, I’m a reptile.”
A polar bear is talking to his friend next to a caved-in igloo. “I just love them, crunchy on the outside and soft and chewy inside.”
Finally some good insults.
A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
“I’ve never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow.
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” Groucho Marx.
Bill Stonebarger, Hawkhill
P.S. One more: a comedian from my hometown in Ohio, Jonathan Winters, tells a true story. On a trip around the world he viewed a Temple to Athena in Greece. “A woman asked what I thought of it, and I said I was terribly disappointed.” “Why?” “Everything is broken.” “But it goes back five centuries before Christ!” “I know, but it should have been fixed by now.”
P.P.S. Many of our best-selling programs are now on Amazon.com. When you get to Amazon enter either Hawkhill or Bill Stonebarger in the search box and you can access many of our programs and buy them at much reduced prices.
In my trip around the world, including Greece, I captured video that you can see in programs like Science and Democracy, The Soul of Science, and Democracy in the Ancient World. Give them a try. They would even make good Christmas presents for readers with high school or college age children. Or for yourself.